Stephen Colbert is the Leader of the Free World

If you have not yet checked out Stephen Colbert's lampooning of the Washington Press and Mr. Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner, you should right now.

The entire Internet should be replaced with just this video clip.

Part One
Part Two

Pimp My Learjet

A company called Exotic Coach Chicago is converting a derelict Learjet 31 into what they’re calling a LimoJet. Classy.

Bonus from the same site: The Unluckiest Girl in the Whole World.

Welcome Second City Writers

If you found your way here from Dialogue, welcome! You may be looking for my humorous writing. I haven't done so much on here lately, so check out the archives.

We Are Building Our Replacements

As I watched this, my mind kept flashing to: It's two guys in a Robot Mule suit.

Kevin Smith

Here is an extended clip of Kevin Smith talking about his involvement with a nascent Superman Lives project. Pretty funny stuff.

Hazard Play

Heading into the holiday season, the Public Interest Research Group has published its list of most unsafe toys for 2005. Included are such toys as the Water Yo-Yo Ball, the KidConnection Electronic Guitar, and the Fisher Price Loving Family Laundry Room.

Inexplicably absent are the following:

• “Just Like Mommy” Mascara and Contact Lens Play Set


• Pharmacy Phil's Capsule Counter


• Jungle Explorer Foam Ball Blowgun


• Face Rocket 5000


• BibleBabies “Plagues of Egypt” Terrarium/Aquarium


• Silly Circles Kiddy Compass


• Baby Rainbow Shine Laser Wand

Hair Clipping

Overheard at hair salon:

He: I got the invitation you made!
She: Did you like it?
He: I loved it! Did you make that clip art yourself?
She: Yes.

Nom de Plume

We were at the restaurant the other day when I heard a mother scold her misbehaving boy: “If you don't eat four more bites, we're not going to get any dessert, Grisham!”

Grisham?! GRISHAM?! That is awesome! That is a great idea! Name your kid “Grisham”! It made me realize that the bestseller lists represent a whole untapped genre of baby names. Author surnames! Looking for an unusual name for that child you're expecting? Looove the paperback you're reading right now? Create a living memorial to it by naming your kid Bushnell! Bushnell Smith. Baldacci Johnson. Evanovich Morgenstern. To avoid over-saturation of popular author names, Amazon could keep a tally:

Here are a few to get you started:

Weiner: After the chick lit author Jennifer Weiner (Good in Bed). Pronounced “WHY-ner”, this is a perfect girl's name for those parents who are gonna go ahead and dress her in a T-shirt that says “Princess,” or “Brat,” or “It's All About Me,” or some damn thing. Really hardcore chick lit fans may also want to consider this name for a boy, but using the “WHEE-ner” pronunciation instead.

Eggers: After Dave Eggers, the author of the much-begun-seldom-finished A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. I mean really, can you think of a cuter name for a newborn than Eggers? Little Baby Eggers. Eggie Weggs. Eggers is also a particularly appropriate name for a boy who's a juvenile delinquent.

Clancy: C'mon. Name your kid Clancy. Do it. Look, he'll either end up a simpering pantywaist or an ass-kicking private detective. Take a shot. Your kid can pull it off.

Patterson: Jackson, Carson, Addison, Madison...Patterson!

Cornwell: Actually, you don't want this to be your kid's name, but it would be cool if it were his college roommate's name, so somebody should dive in here.

Koontz: Well, she'll definitely be the only one in her class. Especially since you'll be home schooling her after about three days of public elementary.

Martini: It's so Rat Pack! Marty for short—resist the temptation to shorten the boy's name to “Tini.”

Crichton: Crichton. Crichton. Crichton. There's something there, right? Criiiiich-ton.

Those are just off the top of my head. Use 'em, don't use 'em. No skin off my nose.

...

Grisham!

Terra Incognita

We passed one of those giant Winnebago-type recreational vehicles on the toll road the other day. The back of it was covered with a map of the US. Each state that the people inside the trailer had visited was represented by a sticker of appropriate shape. It looked like this:

Now, my question is this:

As you crisscross this great land of ours—from East to West, from North to South, driving your vehicle to 47 of the 48 contiguous states—how can you miss Nebraska unless you are actively avoiding it?

School's Out

In light of our esteemed president's recent comments on the theory of "intelligent design" being taught in schools, I think that the gates may finally be opening to allow the academic world to reconsider some other languishing theories. Here are a few suggestions for next year's course catalog:

MATHEMATICS
MTH 203: NUMEROLOGY    Students will use skills learned in MTH 111: ALGEBRA to calculate their future life path using the numbers from their birth date. This course is a prerequisite for both MATH 301: ELEMENTARY FUNCTIONS and MTH 312: THE MYSTICAL NUMBER THREE.

BIOLOGY
BIO 342: HEXES    Provides an overview of the various types of spells, hexes, and enchantments that may be the source of health problems in the human body. May be taken concurrently with BIO 343: GERM THEORY.

PHYSICS
PHY 211: ASTROLOGY    Students will learn how the various stars and planets studied in PHY 209: ASTRONOMY may influence and control our behavior.

PSYCHOLOGY
PSY 202: DEMON POSSESSION/ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY    A balanced overview of the competing theories of unusual human behavior. Prerequisite: PSY 132: VAMPIRISM & LYCANTHROPY .

GEOLOGY
GEO 110: EARTH TOPOLOGY    Alternate proposals of the shape of the our planet are discussed. Focus will be on the two prevailing theories: round and flat.